What should and should not be said to people with cancer?

When you learn that someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer, you may not know how to react. However, one of the worst things you can do for someone with cancer is to avoid them. You may be surprised to learn that ignoring a friend with cancer is common. Do not be afraid to talk to your friend or loved one; even if it makes you feel uncomfortable or nervous about what to say, saying “I don’t know what to say” is better than stopping your calls or visits. The most important thing is to be there and listen.

When should you talk to someone with cancer?

Everyone is unique, and each person responds to a cancer diagnosis in their own way. Some may want to talk about their diagnosis and treatments, while others may find it difficult and not want to discuss it at all. A person’s need to talk can also change from day to day, depending on how treatment is going and other factors. A good general rule is to let them start the conversation, or ask whether they would like to talk about it, and let them talk in a place they choose. If they say they do not want to talk about it, it is important to listen.

What if they do not want to talk at all?

Try to be comfortable with silence, as it may help your friend focus their thoughts. Talking can sometimes feel stressful, while silence can sometimes be comforting. It is difficult to understand all the thoughts in your friend’s mind, all the decisions they may need to make, and the lifestyle changes they may need to face. If there is silence and you have nothing to say, it is fine to wait until someone speaks.

What should you not say?

• Becoming very upset or looking distressed can also get in the way of being helpful;
• Do not assume they need help doing things; do them;
• Do not present statistics you have found online about their cancer;
• Do not assume their entire life will change;
• Do not assume everything will be as it was before when they return to work.

Try not to give advice

Asking questions or listening is always safer. However good you think it is, giving advice often does not help. Talking about new or alternative treatments, or diets claimed to cure cancer, may not be what a patient trying to come to terms with cancer wants to hear. Even if you mean well and think your advice will be valuable, it may be unwelcome unless you are asked for it.

People with cancer do not like constantly "hearing how brave they are"

"Being brave" is the subject of these comments from some patients:

“Do not tell me how brave I am… I am scared, but I have no choice other than to continue treatment. Just listen to me.” - Lesley Jackson

“I have been diagnosed with cancer 3 times so far. When people say “you are so brave,” it really does not help. You do not have a choice about getting through all of this!” - Suzanne Wright

“I know people mean well, but when they say they admire my bravery, I want to shout that I am not brave. I had no choice about accepting the cancer diagnosis, surgery, chemotherapy, medicines and so on. I want to live.” - Christine Davies

“Several people have told me "you are so brave." To be completely honest, it feels like being deceived. I wish I could take it as a compliment, but I cannot. I am just doing what I have to do. To save my life. Save bravery for those who deserve it more than I do” - Kerry Barker

“Stay positive”, “you are so brave” and “you are an inspiration”... These expressions bother me because I am not brave or inspirational. I am just trying to live my life, and I have to stay positive” - Anita Brown

Do not say "I know how you feel"

Saying this may upset the person with cancer, because it is difficult to truly know how they feel. It is hard to understand everything a person with cancer has to cope with and what they are going through. They are dealing not only with a cancer diagnosis and probably treatment, but may also be worried about their family or work. Perhaps they do not know how they will manage their daily life. Since we are all unique and each of us has our own ways of coping, it is difficult for others to understand how someone feels.

Conclusion

With the above list of dos and don’ts and the guidance on what not to say, the most important message I hope you take away is that the best thing you can do for your friend is to be there for them or close by. Let them talk if they wish, and simply offer your support when they do not want to talk. Is that not what we want from our friends anyway?